Monday, September 26, 2005

Brownie Your Doing a Heck .... ahh never mind -

The internet seems abuzz at how offensive and amazing it is that Michael Brown would be hired back on as a consultant, and how can I disagree. But no one is really explaning why he is back, and to me this one seems to be the simplest of them all.

FEMA is hiring Brown back to be his friend...right before he testifies in front of congress.

Which if my memory serves me correct is...


You may love the Republicans or you may hate them, or you may hate on them, but you have to admit, pretty smooth move.

It simply infuriates the Democrats and/or anyone who cares a lick about the USA.

Its so brazen as to dilute the original screw up of Michael Brown (in an emperors new clothes kind of way). I.e. He couldn't really be that bad if they hired him back. He couldn't have messed up Katrina that bad!

Think I'm off here? Exhibit B: George Tenet and the Medal fo Freedom (another Emperor's New Clothes Move)

3) (and most important) Brownie is totally screwed and has no friends. No one will hire him. undoubtedly he is like everyone: he has bills to pay, a wife, kids that need braces, etc etc etc. I read somewhere that when Brown was shopping his resume that people said he was "radioactive" which seems an understatement...he was merely covered in radioactive Lake Water/Gumbo. But look at the whole scenario:

Scenario #1 - Brownie Has no job options and no hope. He goes in front of the Senate sham committe and in a desperate move bears his soul, apoligizes for everything and hangs everyone out to dry, including George Bush/Gump, Chertoff, etc. In a mea culpa like no one has every seen he begs for mercy and tells of every last screw-up.

Scenario #2 - Brownie is on THE PAYROLL OF FEMA - THE ONLY JOB HE CAN GET AND THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT WILL GIVE HIM A RED CENT. He shows up to testifiy in front of congress apologetic but unwilling to take down his current employers or speak bad of anyone he might come into contact with in his new "consultants" role. He tows the party/company and PAYCHECK line and deflects much of the blame onto local folks who didnt follow procedures.

Scenario #2 will happen tomorrow. Brownie is a huge screw-up...but how does the saying go?

Keep your friends close...keep your huge colossal CAT 5 hurricance screw-ups closer?

brilliant move...


Sunday, September 04, 2005

It's official - Shit hits Fan - News at 11

I don't have too many slogans I live my life by, but I do have a few. And one that always served me well was that "its not until the shit hits the fan that you really see what someone is made of." I'm not talking about mini-turds, bad day at work, maybe got fired from a job you like, car breaks down. I'm talking about big time shiznit - FBI shows up to your door at 6AM, Mom ends up in the hospital for 5 weeks, fly down to do an intervention on your dad. Thats the "stuff" hitting the fan.

So its no suprise that this week in New Orleans and in other gulf coast places people realized once and for all what this adminstration is really made of. The only wierd part to me is that it seems like some people are shocked, as if maybe the administration just bungled this one. In mind they were always this way: they were always this incompetent, they were always this ill-equipped, they were always putting politics over country, they were always this bad, this dumb, this shitty.

"We never could have imagined the levies breaking," said our fearless leader.

Liar. Fraud. Incompetent Loser.

Have you ever had a "fraud friend." They aren't your best buddy but you grow to be pretty good freinds with them. You maybe travel with them, you confide in them. And then one day you realize they are a total fraud. For me I always realized it with one simple comment, maybe one simple lie. When they sunk so low that they repeat the same lie in a different scenario. Their excuse for not having their wallet with them to pay for dinner sounds familiar. Their excuse for not being able to help you out with something sound vaguely familiiar to an excuse you've heard before. Thier excuse for a lie is another lie....and then it all comes crumbling down. And then you realize they are a fraud, they really arent your friend, and they are basically full of shit. This was the week when republican or democrat, you realized what many believed since the election of 2000. That this administartion was a fraud, that they are incompetent, and that at the end of the day, they really don't care unless the media or overwhelming public opinion forces them to care.

You can tell because this week they hit rock bottom. And thier lies and phot-ops and spin just came crubming down on top of itself:

Heaven and Earth

2004 - george bush
"Had I had any inkling whatsoever that people were going to fly airplanes into buildings, we would have moved heaven and earth to protect the country.

2004 - Condelezza Rice
"Had we thought that there was an attack coming in Washington or New York, we would have moved heaven and earth to try and stop it," Rice told the independent commission investigating the attacks.

2005 - Chertoff
[Chertoff] vowed that the United States "is going to move heaven and earth" to rescue those in need.


2004 - "Asked whether he felt any responsibility for the attack [9/11], Mr. Bush said he grieved for the families of the victims and said in retrospect he wished, for example, the Homeland Security Department had been in place."

2005 - The FEMA employee blamed the slow federal response on the inexperience of Chertoff [Head of the homelandd Security Deparetment - now in place] and his top advisers. He said the first thing Chertoff should have done was establish FEMA liaison officers for each state, and a local leader to closely monitor and respond to their needs. When the complaints began about the lack of food and water in New Orleans, Chertoff should have ensured that every bus that arrived in the city to rescue residents also carried supplies for the thousands of people who would have to wait hours or days for transportation.

2005 - Mike Brown - Head of FEMA
"I don't make judgments about why people chose not to leave but, you know, there was a mandatory evacuation of New Orleans," he said. "And to find people still there is just heart-wrenching to me because, you know, the mayor did everything he could to get them out of there. -

Progress -

2003 - In a prime time news conference last week, Bush said the United States is "making really good progress in Iraq..."

2005 - "Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans -- virtually a city that has been destroyed -- that things are going relatively well," Brown said.

Vision -

2002 - National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice
"I don't think anybody could have predicted that they would try to use an airplane as a missile, a hijacked airplane as a missile."

2005 - George Bush
"I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees. They did appreciate a serious storm but these levees got breached and as a result much of New Orleans is flooded and now we're having to deal with it and we will," he said.

2005 - Chertoff argued that authorities actually had assumed that "there would be overflow from the levee, maybe a small break in the levee. The collapse of a significant portion of the levee leading to the very fast flooding of the city was not envisioned."

Thinking and Doing -

2005 - Bush
"Adam, I think about Iraq every day -- every single day -- because I understand we have troops in harm's way, and I understand how dangerous it is there

2005 - Chertoff
"Not an hour goes by that we don't spend a lot of time thinking about the people who are actively suffering in all of these parts of the Gulf," Chertoff said. "There are people on rooftops, there are still people emerging as the water begins to recede looking for help, looking for rescue."

Splat !!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Why Does Norman Mineta Hate America?

Its almost as if it was a bet in some back-alley politcal bar...

Political Guy #1 - Man these gas prices are getting really high.
Political Guy #2 - Isn't that what we promised Exxon we would do?
Political Guy #1 - Sure sure, but the problem is there are a lot people across america who are getting really pissed off - The gas prices were supposed to go up but not this fast or this high!
Political Guy #2 - Can we blame it on the Democrats?
Political Guy #1 - Sure those dudes are whimps, but in the mean time we need to look like we are doing something about it. We need to make it look like we are helping out with gas prices.
Political Guy #2 - I don't think people are going to buy that with oil at 67 bucks a barrel.
Political Guy #1 - Wanna bet I can make it look like we are doing something about gas?
Political guy #2 - Yes, the usual?
Political guy #1 - Yes! Now get me Mineta. Now!!


So out comes Norman Mineta, yesterday to announce that the government is increasing the fuel standards on some trucks:

[Government release] A proposed new fuel economy plan for light trucks will save motorists money on fill-ups while improving safety and protecting the economy, Transportation Secretary Norman Y. Mineta announced today in Atlanta and Los Angeles.

Sweet less money for gas! That's awsome!! When do I get started?

Uhhh Norman?


Well damn - Its gonna take 6 years for that to kick in - At least it will be a big change to protect us from dependence on foreign oil in the future. Right Norman? I mean our National Security is at stake:

Table 2-2. Proposed Fuel Economy Targets for MY 2008-2011 Light Trucks – Reformed CAFE
Footprint Category Fuel Economy Target (mpg) (from

(in gallons of gas)
2008 2009 2010 2011
1 26.8 27.4 27.8 28.4
2 25.6 26.4 26.4 27.1
3 22.3 23.5 24.0 24.5
4 22.2 22.7 22.9 23.3
5 20.7 21.0 21.6 21.9
6 20.4 21.0 20.8 21.3

(Numbers 1-6 represent the new vehicle footprints, or classes)

Hmmm - so if you own a really big truck (Class 6) the MPG will go up .9 MPG over the next 6 years. Hotness. Well at least by that point we will be saving gas - Right Norman? I mean according to him we will be saving
10 billion gallons of gas (although we are not quite sure over what time frame)

Cool - Except one problem - as the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) points out, any proposed reduction in gas consumption by raising the MPG has a problem - In this case they talk about a theoretical rise of 3.8MPG (Norman's is much lower):

Although a 3.8 mpg increase in CAFE standards would reduce gasoline use by new vehicles by 10 percent, it would take 15 years for total gasoline consumption (by both new and older cars and light trucks) to fall by 10 percent--only after all vehicles currently on the road were retired.

What the heck does this mean? It means that if Norman says that he is going to reduce gas consumption by 8% what it really means is he is only able to reduce consumption by 8% for those trucks coming out in 2011. To have all trucks on the road reduce consumption by 8% will take 15 years, since you need get all of the less efficent trucks out of the system and up on blocks in someone's front yard.

Furthermore is it possible that even if we get all of these trucks to have higher MPG and save millions and billions of gallons, that this would be negated by the fact that in 15 years there will be even more trucks on the road?

Ford vehicle sales surge 35.5 percent - AUG. 2 12:42 P.M. ET Ford Motor Co. said Tuesday that its U.S. vehicle sales jumped 35.5 percent across its major brands as the automaker benefited from a decision to follow the lead of rival General Motors Corp. and offer its employee discount to all customers.

I got news for you - there are going to be more than 8% more trucks on the road by the end of this year.

So everyone gets what they want. The politicans get their talking points of 10 billion gallons of gas saved (by when?) and an 8% reduction (in 2011 +15 years). The car companies dont have to touch their prized babies (the Hummers and huge SUV's that weight over 8500 pounds have no change in MPG at all - these are the ones that get 8 miles to the gallon - or roughly 1 gallon per cm of the legth of every guys schlong who drives one) and Norman Mineta gets to be a star for a day, along with the days other star - Pat Robertson. And all the while truck drivers, cabbies, and regular americans get royally screwed by a President from texas that used to be in the oil business....

I wonder if somewhere in the middle east someone is just laughing really, really, hard.

Damn you Norman...Damn you.

The Slacker -

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Your Momma's So Fat....and your CIA Friggin' Sucks!

[UPDATE: 8/24 - had to add this one]
Your intellegence is so bad that - a former top aide to Colin Powell said his involvement in the former secretary of state's presentation to the United Nations on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction was "the lowest point" in his life.] ouch.....

(And your national intellegence community too - ooh)

I've seen enough.

You remember back in high school, or even junior high school, when you would sit on the bus and make 'yo mama' jokes back and forth for a good solid 45 minutes. You know, "your momma so fat she has a hollow leg filled with gravy?" Your momma's so stinky the garbage truck follows her get the idea.

Yo momma jokes and yo mamma battles were great for a number of reasons because 1) They never got old 2) they were always kind of slightly believable (yeah tim's mom does look like she has a hollow leg and she does often smell like a whiff of gravy." and of course 3) They could always get better and there was a constant battle to outdo the last yo mamma joke. This last point can't be emphasized enough. There was a constant need for the yo mamma jokes to get better and crazier and more outlandish - to the point where if you were knee deep 30 minutes into a yo mamma battle and someone came up with a dud like "yo momma's so old she has wooden dentures" the bus would immediately get quiet and you would likely also get disgusted looks and also get "shamed" for your terrible yo momma joke [More on "shames" in a later article]. Most often the really bad yo momma joke would just end the battle right there, with bus mates shaking their heads.

So why yo momma jokes? Beacause it seems like lately that the intellegence community and all of its huge fuck-up's are like some kind of demented yo momma battle. 1) They keep getting more and more outrageous to outdo eachother 2) They hit really close to home [be it mom's or our homeland security that protects the mom's and their apple pie, a good cutdown can really rattle you hard] and 3) Like the yo momma jokes they seem like they really could be true -

Except for one problem....they seem like they are ALL TRUE!!!

Stop me if you've heard these ones:

Your intellegence is so fucking bad you created a color coded chart to warn people about threats but only used it to
scare the shit out of them and/or defeat political opponents.

Your intellegence is so bad your advice for people keeping safe was
duct tape.

Your intellegence is so crappy you blew the cover of a turned
Al-Qaeda double agent in order to prove you were doing a good job at intellegence.

Your momma has a wooden leg with a kick stand....

Your intellegence is so fucked you got a memo that said "
Bin-Laden Determined to attack US" and didn't get the word out to the folks who needed to know.

Your intellegence is so lame that the
FBI tried to warn you about a hijacker in flight school and no one even found out until after 9/11.

Your integellgence and CIA is so DUMB they told you that weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were a
slam dunk case, when the were gone since 1991.

Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a can down the street and I said "what are you doing" and she said "moving day."

... But wait it gets better

Your intellegence is so retarded you relied on a crook named Chalabi and another drunk named
"Curveball" when taking the country to war.

Oh yeah! Well your intellegence infrastructure is so bad that your new CIA director doesnt even get to
meet with the president anymore during National Security Council meetings!!

Oh really? Well your intellegence is so shitty that an Assistant Director at the FBI said that they dont even hire counter-terrorism agents based on
knowledge of the middle east or on terrorism!!

yeah? Well your intellegenge is so Bad they put Ted Kennedy and ted Nugent on the no-fly-list" (This would be the part where you get booed and "Shamed" for a bad yo intellegence putdown - this would be one of mine on the bus)

Oh yeah?!? Well yo intellegence is so poor that you knew that Atta and the other hijackers were in the US a year before 9/11 and didn't do anything about it!

...wait WHAT?!?! (This would be the part on the bus where someone took the yo momma fight to a whole new unexpected level normally by throwing in a religious or racist yo mamma joke which created that level of awkwardness where fights were possible)

and then the finale -

Well ... your intellegence is so fucking poor that it took you 4 fucking years just to realize that you knew that Atta was in the country and still fucked it up!!

(the whole bus explodes in cheers and a champ of the yo intellegence battle is crowned)

Thats right, everyone is talking about ABLE DANGER, some because the name is really badass and some because it fits right in with their need to blame someone for the huge fuck-up of 9/11. I look at ABLE DANGER and wonder if we have any chance, because I look at ABLE DANGER and ask:


I mean come on - the 9/11 comission hit the books hard, they interviewed a lot of people, they had a LOT of hearings. They hit the books so hard they actually published a book (it's in my bookshelf in the section "Most Depressing Books of all time" right next to requiem for a dream and last exit to broklyn.)

How is it that we are just now figuring out that we had identified Atta and others in the US, and we fucked up - almost 4 years after 9/11??!?!?!?!?!?

What is worse: Fucking up and not connecting the dots on Atta, or not even realzing that you didn't know enough to know that you fucked up until 4 years later, and a year after the 9/11 comisison.

How does this happen? And more importantly what the hell are we doing about it? We are spending billions and billions on bombs, wars, airplane secuirty, stupid gadgets, and people in our own government have to come forward to say "
Uh yeah actually I was with ABLE DANGER and there are even more fuck-ups then you guys know about with regards to Atta and 9/11, but our intellegence is so fucked you couldn't even figure that out while you spent 2 years investigating 9/11."

And after all this still no Bin Laden. Still no justice for the families of 9/11. Porter Goss says he has
an excellent idea where Osama Bin Laden is. I have an excellent idea even bill and ted would approve of (not Ted Nugent, but Bill and Ted's Excellent adventure) - if you know where he is then drop a huge bomb on his head !! It would be a lot better than dropping a huge bomb on an innocent Iraqi.

I don't think we can though - and that's because our intellegence is more of a joke then any yo mamma joke ever will be. Cindy Sheehan camps out in crawford to talk to the president. Good for her. But I want another campout...

I want a campout with the families of 9/11 on Porter Goss's lawn asking him every day why the strongest country with the best millitary in the world can't find Osama bin Laden and why they don't have a bounty on his head for 10 billion dollars. And if he has an excellent idea of where is is, well then maybe some families on his lawn will help him bang on W's door a little harder and say "please invite me to meetings - I am the head of the CIA. I have an excellent idea where osama is. Pretty please. I will make pop tarts. With Sprinkles." instead of him
having parties with Bush's dad to commemorate how worthless the CIA is and acting like dinosaurs when their country needs them the most.

Sheehan might help get the war ended faster, and that would be a good thing. But old crappy, poor, nasty, stupid, broke intellegence .... well that lasts forever.

[And Porter Goss' mom is so fat she uses a VCR for a beeper]

-- The Slacker